I release you
by Nightshade'sMusings
Summary: After 5 long years Effy faces freedom, but what memories still haunt her? Just a little two shot I've been working on for a while. Hope everyone enjoys it EDIT: now a three shot
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- I've been working on this for a while, it's a two shot looking at Effy getting out of jail. I was aiming to get them both out for the tenth anniversary but...well life got in the way. Anyway I hope you like it.**

* * *

It's been a long five years, a very long five years. But it's helped me, it's matured me, it's woken me

up and now I'm getting out. In a way I'm lucky to be getting out now, my sentence was for 8 years

but I kept my head down, didn't draw attention to myself. In a way I'm sad to be leaving, inside

everything is safe and orderly, I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do for shelter or

money. Outside though? That's another matter, outside my life is in ruins. I have no friends, not that

I can blame them, and my family isn't worth a fucking damn. I will just be a worthless 26 year old ex-

con. 

Even before was locked up I had decided on the best course of action, decided it when I was in the

car after leaving the FCA, after leaving my old life. It was time to retreat; back to the mysterious

goddess I once was, back to the silent manipulator before college, before Panda. It was easier back

then, no need for friends or love or companionship. So that's what I had done, reverted to silence, or

near enough, reverted to just watching and listening. It had earned me trouble at the start from the

other prisoners, the ones with paranoid delusion or insecurities. They had tried to scare me, to

intimidate me but all to no avail.

I look around the room, no, the cell. My cell. Like you would imagine prison cells to be it's small with

a single bunk, sink, toilet and bedside table. And I hate it, I've hated it since I got here, it's too bright,

too sparse and too empty. But then, that's the way it's supposed to be isn't it? You aren't supposed

to like your cell, prison isn't supposed to be fun. I reach over and pick up the few personal

belongings I was allowed, and wanted, just a few photos. Photos of happier times, photos of my old

friends and of Tony. I let a small smile grace my lips as I flick through them, I still remember when

Tony brought them to me, right at the start of my sentence.

* * *

_As I entered the visiting area I caught sight of him and found my face breaking out into a smile,_

_which hurt. I hadn't smiled, properly smiled since I had first got here and that was nearly two weeks_

_ago now. When the guard had come to my cell and told that I had a visitor I hadn't believed it, after_

_all I'd burned all my bridges in the events leading up to this. But there he was, infamous Stonem_

_smirk and everything, my brother. Then my eyes slid over to the seat next to him and my eyes_

_widened at the sight of the blonde next to him; Panda. I moved through the room towards the table_

_as quickly as I could, but still making sure I didn't draw any attention from the guards. Tony stood up_

_as I got the table and opened his arms, as if to draw me into a hug, but I stopped him with a shake of_

_my head. "No contact." I stated simply and sat myself down opposite him and Panda. Tony sat back_

_down with a frown on his face, my heart broke a little when I saw it. He was trying. I sat back a little_

_and looked at him, really looked at him. Once I moved to London I'd, effectively, cut of all contact_

_from everyone bar Naomi and Emily. Tony was that kind of person who never seemed to age, true_

_his hair was a bit shaggier, a bit longer, but everything else was exactly as I remembered. Except his_

_eyes didn't have the mischievous twinkle in them of old, now there were clouded with worry._

_Panda though, she looked radically different. Gone was the awkward, goofy teenager I knew, in her_

_place I saw a strong confident young woman. Her once raggedy blonde hair was now full and long,_

_mostly straight but with a bit of curling at the end. My eyes shot over her, over her face which was_

_now breaking into a smile, over her body dressed in a black dress with flowers dotted on it. And then_

_down to her hands, manicured and perfect and ordained with a simple gold ring with a small gem_

_stone. "Congratulations Panda." I stated and Panda's face broke into a massive smile and I noticed_

_that her overbite was gone as well._

_"Thanks Effy, it's bonkers to think it though." The blonde said and I smiled a little, even Panda_

_couldn't fully change, she still reverted to form. "Thomas?" I found myself asking, even though I_

_knew the answer and Panda nodded enthusiastically. "Good, I'm glad someone's happy." I found_

_myself saying, with just a little sarcasm. I switched her attention to Tony, to my brother, who I knew_

_had been silent and watching me. "So, Tony, how's things?" I asked, before thinking to myself that it_

_too many words. Words to fill the space, I hate that. Tony smiled a little and shook his head, "don't_

_give me that bullshit Ef, I know you don't really care."_

_I let out a little chuckle, "you know me too well I guess brother." Tony frowned, shaking his head, "I_

_thought I did but, Effy, this is prison! What the hell happened to you?" Tony asked, his eyes burning_

_fiercely with anger, taking me by surprise a little._

_For a moment I didn't say anything, for once I was lost for words. "I…I…I don't know." I found myself_

_blurting out, wow way to go Effy, that's really fucking articulate. "I thought I could handle_

_everything, I thought I had grown-up, that I was beyond this shit." I let out a sigh and shook my_

_head. "I guess I was wrong," I muttered. Tony let out a sigh of exasperation and reached into his_

_jacket pocket. "Yeah I guess you were, eight years Effy, eight fucking years." From out of his jacket_

_Tony produced a number of photos and passed them over to me. "Look I got these for you, I've_

_okayed it with the guards, just a little something to help keep you going I guess." Tony passed the_

_photos over to me and I took them tentatively, I felt my mouth tugging into a small smile as I flicked_

_through the photos. They were photos of me and my friends, of me and Tony. My smile died a little_

_as I realised that they were, in a way, a reminder of what I had burned, of what my selfish ways had_

_destroyed, a reminder of happier times, times I could never get back. I struggled for a moment to_

_control myself as the full reality of my situation finally slammed down on me. I was in prison, would_

_be for eight years. I had fucked up in a monumental fashion this time and there was no going back,_

_no getting out. With supreme effort and force of will I forced the darkness of my own creation back_

_and created a wall. "Sweet….thanks Tony." I finally replied and looked up at my brother and Panda,_

_who both smiled sadly._

_I took a deep breath and turned to Panda, "Naomi." I stated simply and watched as Panda's face_

_crumpled a little. "She's not got long, the doctor's didn't even think she'd would make it this long." I_

_looked down at the table for a moment, marvelling at all the tiny grains of wood. "She has Emily." I_

_state simply, they were always the brightest out of the lot of us, always the goodness that came out_

_of those fucked up two years of college. Emily keeps her going, keeps her fighting to stay alive, but I_

_knew it wouldn't last forever. "She has Emily." Panda confirmed and I knew that Panda understood,_

_understood what I meant. It had always been Panda, she had always come the closest to really_

_understanding me. "Thanks for coming Panda, Tony." I stated simply, standing up and turning to go._

_"Effy, you can't just go." Tony insisted, standing up as well, reaching over to grab my arm before_

_remembering himself. I looked over my shoulder at him, and at Panda, and shrugged. "There's_

_nothing else to say Tony. I fucked up. Now I pay." With those words I headed out of the visitation_

_room._

* * *

A smile graced my lips again as I absent mindedly rubbed the picture of me and Tony, he'd tried to

visit a few times more after that but I'd been right at that first visit, as I always was. What more was

there to say? After that no one visited me, nearly five years without seeing a friendly face, a familiar

face. Well no that wasn't true, I did see some familiar faces again. They just weren't friendly.

So caught up with the memories of the past I jumped slightly when a pounding came from the door.

"Come on Stonem, you better have your shit together." A gruff voice sounded from the corridor, one

of the many corrupt guards. I sighed, great I couldn't get one of the nice ones, I had to get one of the

guards who hated people. I stood up and contemplated the photos as I heard the heavy metal door

open. "Come on then Stonem." I turned to go, planning on leaving the photos when I stopped and

looked back at them. My eyes scanned the innocent, happy faces and I chewed the bottom of my lip

slightly. I had a saying, one that I had come up with in the early days of time here; never backwards,

always forwards. It had served me well, got me looking towards my eventual release, never had me

dwelling on the monumental fuck-up of my past. "Stonem! Fucking let's move!" The guard shouted

and jerked me out of my thoughts.

"Fuck it." I muttered and and picked the pictures up before turning to the guard. "Fucking ready

now?" The guard asked and I just nodded, I was.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- So this is the concluding part of what happens when Effy get's released from prison. Hope you enjoy it, please let me know what you think. :)**

My hands are starting to twitch as I leave the bowels of the prison, as I get closer and closer to the outside, to freedom. I mean we were allowed outside to exercise and our 'free' time, but is it really outside if it's in the centre of the prison and encased by concrete and the sky is obscured by wire fencing? Like fuck is it. My heart is going wild; I keep expecting to be told it's all a mistake, that they've looked at my file again and decided to keep me inside. I have no idea what I'm going to do when I do get out, I have no plan, no home, but I don't care because at least I'll be free.

We move through a number of heavy metal doors until, finally, we reach a small room with a single chair and a door at the other side. My heart leaps at the sight of the door, it's an actual door as well, not a heavy metal one I've used to, an actual door. The normalcy of the door lifts me up more and I find a smile creeping its way onto my face. "Sit down and stay put." The guard orders and I quickly comply, anything to speed the process along. The guard looks at me for a moment before grunting. "Someone will be with you shortly." With that the guard turns on his heel and leaves the room, the metal door slamming shut behind him. Ihear the heavy sounds of it locking and I realise that I'm trapped in this little room. I look round the room in interest, at the bland pale walls, the hard laminated flooring and at the one window, through which I can hear the outside world. I close my eyes and, for a split second, I can imagine that I'm not in prison, that I'm somewhere mundane like a Doctor's waiting room. I chuckle to myself at the thought of enjoying the mundane, that was never me. I didn't do mundane when I was younger, I hated it. I needed for things to be exciting, to be action packed. Then I really encountered that way of life, and here I am wishing for the mundane. I stand up and move over to the window, desperate to tease myself with a glimpse of the outside. That small glimpse is like sex when I see it; I can't help but gasp a little at the sight of cars going by, of people going about their business without a care in the world. My face drops a little as I remember the last time I got to go outside, and all the pain and suffering that stemmed it.

* * *

_As I stepped into the room where they were holding Naomi's wake I was, as I had been ever __since I stepped out of the car, aware of two things. Firstly, of the guard shadowing my every __step but still keeping a respectful distance, and, secondly, of the ankle bracelet on my left __leg which was constantly keeping the prison aware of my location. An invasion of….well __fucking something I'm sure but it meant that I could say goodbye to Naomi and for that I __would have slit my wrists. I don't know who it was that got the prison to agree to let me __come to the funeral and I don't know if I'll be able to find the words to thank them…if I ever __even find out who it was. I looked back at the guard behind me and she shot me a warning __glare. "No funny ideas Stonem," she stated "I don't get paid extra for chasing you down, it'll __just piss me off." For a brief moment I considered a sarcastic response, one worthy of Naomi __herself, but consented for just a simple nod of acknowledgement. I looked round the room __at the sea of people, there were people from our time in London and I thought I spied the __familiar curly mop of JJ in the far corner but I couldn't see Gina or Emily. I let out the breath I __didn't know I'd been holding in but the fear was still there. I could still remember the slap __that Emily had delivered to me when I met her at the airport, I didn't want to repeat it._

_"Effy!" I heard a voice call out before a blonde blur collided with me and pulled me into a __hug. I smiled a little as I recognised her, "Hi Panda." I greeted Pandora softly, extracting the __blonde whirlwind from me and shooting a slightly worried look at the guard behind me, but __she just looked bored. "It's whizzer that you're here Eff, I know Naomi would of wanted you __here. Are you allowed a drink? I didn't see you at the church?" Panda's questions washed __over me like a tidal wave, it had been years since I'd had to deal with a hyperactive Panda, it __seemed like the stress of the day and being around so many old classmates had bought it __back out of her. "No drinks." I stated simply, shrugging in indifference. "Only allowed to the __wake." I explained, it had hurt though. To be told that they were letting me out for the wake __but not the actual service. I would of preferred the service over this, less chance of __confrontation.__"What are you doing here!" A husky, all too familiar, voice bellowed from across of the __room, instantly Panda's face fell. "Oh crumbs" she muttered as I spied a shock of red hair __come barrelling towards me. Then there she was, the girlfriend of my best friend, the __woman who I hadn't told about Naomi's cancer till it was nearly the end. I could see the hate __and the loathing and the pain in her eyes and I understood it, I felt the same way about __myself. What I had done was selfish and stupid, but I knew telling her that wouldn't help the __situation. So I just stood there, still as a statue, face impassive, as Emily glared at me. "How-__How dare you show your face here, after everything you did how dare you stand there."__Emily cried out and, like at the airport, I never saw the slap coming. It was stronger then the __airport one, they both had anger behind them, but this one had pain, loss, suffering and a __broken heart behind it. I raised a hand to forestall the guard behind me, Emily needed to do __this, she needed to get it out. I understood that. "Well! Aren't you going to fucking answer __me? Why are you here?! Why did they let you out?!" Emily spat out, tears falling down her __face, her hands clenched into fists and trembling. A figure slipped out of the crowd, coming __in behind Emily. With a start I realised it was Katie, I quickly searched her face to try and __work out why I hadn't recognised her. Then I saw it, her eyes held none of the anger and __hatred of her youth. In those brown eyes I saw only sadness, compassion and pity._

_"Because I insisted on it." A calm voice rang out, and then Gina was there. A smile __threatened to spill onto my face, of course it had been Gina who had insisted I be allowed __here. Gina, the ever forgiving woman, a better person than any of us could've ever hoped to __be. Seeing her there though made my heart break again, she was another person who I s__hould of reached out to about Naomi's cancer and I hadn't. I hated myself. "Wha?! Gina, what Effy did!? She kept Naomi from me! From us!" Emily managed to get out before letting out a sob and burying herself in her sister's arms, Gina nodded in understanding. "You're right Emily. What Effy did was stupid and irresponsible, and now she's paying for it. But she was Naomi's best friend, you know that. She deserves to say goodbye." I blinked away the tears at Gina's words and shook my head, this had been a mistake. All I'd done was cause more pain to my old friends, I moved over to Gina and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you Gina, but this…this was a mistake. Thank you for letting me say goodbye." I looked towards Emily, "Emily, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If it's any consolation, I hate myself too." I took a breath and headed towards the door, past the guard. I stopped briefly at the picture of __Naomi that was placed on the table by the entrance. I kissed my index forefinger and __pressed them against the photo. "Goodbye Naomi. I'm sorry." I whispered softly before __walking out the room._

* * *

I come back to reality to find tears falling from my face, I had caused so much pain and suffering. Not just when I'd been in London but just generally in my life. The path of my journey through life was strewn with pain and suffering, I couldn't carry on like that, I had to be better once I was out. The ordinary door opens and a woman enters the room, she's tall,a bit thin with long blonde hair. "Elizabeth Stonem? Come on; let's get you out of here." The woman states, a smile on her face, I nod and stood up quickly. I'm eager to get out, I don't know what I'm going to do when I do get out, where I'm going to stay, where I'm going to work but I'm not too worried, I'll work it all that out later. I just want to be free. I follow the woman out the room and down a corridor to a large reception room. There's a number of desk dotted around the place and, with a jolt, I realise that I've been here before. This is where I'd first come into the prison, out of the two other doors in the room one would lead me back into the prison and one would take me to the outside world. I try and control my breathing as I feel my heart rate quicken as I locked onto the door leading to the outside."Come on, nearly there. Just a few things left to do then you can go." The woman explains and leads the way to a desk; I follow and took a seat. The woman sits down opposite and starts tapping away at a computer. "Okay then Elizabeth, so you understand you're being released early because of good behaviour?" I nod, "Good, errr let's see. You've got to let your probation worker know where you're going to be living within 24 hours, and they'll arrange a time for you to come in and have a meeting with them. Now usually you'll be carrying out your probation in London, however after consideration it's been decided you shall carry it out in Bristol instead. It means that you can't leave Bristol for 6 months and if you do have need to you must okay it with your probation worker." The woman explains and I nod again, eager to get out, I don't understand why I'm being consigned to Bristol and not London and I have no idea yet know how I can make it over there but I'll manage somehow, I always do. I'm Effy. The woman smiles and produces a little rucksack. "Good, right in this bag are the belongings you had with you when you came in, your probation officer's contact details and £50. I know it's not much, sorry." I shrug and take the bag, I can make £50 go along way. The woman stands up and I quickly follow suit, she smiles kindly and gestures to the exit. "Okay then, that's it. We're done, good luck." I nod jerkily and turn my back to her,moving towards the exit door. This is it, I'm finally getting out. Reaching the door I lay my hand on the door-handle, take a deep breath and open it.

The sunlight is blinding, and oh so real. I smile and close my eyes, spreading out my arms and just breathing in the fresh air, the freedom, the sounds of everyday life, the mundane.I'm free, free to live my life, yes I'm going to be stuck in Bristol for 6 months but it is so very worth it. "Oi bitch, stop being away with the fairies and hurry up. I haven't got all day ya know." An impatient, all too familiar voice interrupts my private moment and my eyes slam open. It can't be, she can't be, she has no reason to be. But there she is, leaning casually against a swish looking car; Katie fucking Fitch. She's changed, matured, gone is the brown and purple hair now it's a short dark brown, almost black, haircut that ends just below the ear. She looks smart and sophisticated, something I never thought I would associate with Katie, and she looks happy. Like at the wake there's no anger or hatred in her eyes, only compassion. "K-Katie?" I manage to splutter out in shock, I'm struggling work out what she's doing here. Katie rolls her eyes and starts towards me, "well I'm certainly not my sister am I?" I let out a little chuckle, definitely Katie, even down to the slight lisp in her voice. "What are you doing here?" I ask as Katie reaches me and actually pulls me into a hug. "I'm here to collect you, Gina's been keeping tabs on you, when she found out you were getting out she sent me to pick you up." Katie explained as she lets me go and I look at her in confusion."Gina's been keeping tabs on me?" I ask, it must be the whole being free thing messing with my mind because I'm struggling to understand, does she hold me responsible for Naomi?Does she want a final revenge on me? Katie again just rolls her eyes and nods, "yes you dozey cow, she kept tabs on you. She wanted to make sure you were okay, you still have friends. Now come on, long drive ahead of us." With that, she turns on her heels and heads to her car. Her words had frozen me, had shook me to my core, I still had friends? After everything I've done, I still have people who care for me? That couldn't be right, I should be hated. I shake my head slightly and head after Katie, sliding into the passenger seat next to her. The car's very slick, all the bells and whistles you'd imagine for an expensive car. "Who's is this?" I ask softly and Katie chuckles a little as she starts the engine, the car roaring to life. "It's mine Eff, a lots changed." Katie explains and I just nod dumbly, a lot has changed. "Look we've got a long drive so why don't you close your eyes and catch some sleep, can't imagine it's been too restive in that shit hole." Katie offers kindly and small smile tugs insistently at my lips, definitely Katie. I nod and close my eyes, letting oblivion take me.

"Effy, we're here wake up" a voice rudely intrudes on my sleep and I feel the crushing weight of a hand on my shoulder. Instantly I'm awake, my breath coming out in short bursts. "Hey it's okay Eff, it's okay." Katie states, concern in her voice. I draw a shuddering breath and fight to control myself; it looks like it's going to take a while to getting used to being free. I look at Katie and nod, "memories." I state softly and Katie's face shows understanding."Yeah sure, anyway, here we are." She steps out the car and I follow suit, we're in an underground car park, the smell of cars and petrol almost overpowering. "Ignore the smell yeah? It's better when we get upstairs." I don't say anything and just follow her to the lifts,we get in one and ride it up. I have to take a deep breath as the lift ascends, fighting to ignore the panicking feeling as I feel the compactness of the lift pressing against me. The lift eventually arrives at the floor and I step out quickly, Katie shooting me a look and leading me to a front door, taking out a key and unlocking it. "Well here we are." She explains and opens the door for me, letting me go in first. The apartment is big, expensive looking and very Katie. Even now, with her being grown up there are somethings that just don't change."I've got a spare room, bed's made up for you. You can stay long as you like Ef." Katie explains, motioning towards a door and I can feel a range of emotions threatening to spill out. I let a small smile grace my lips and give Katie a brief hug. "Thanks." I whisper and Katie nods, "no problem, well I'm starving and can't be arsed to cook so takeaway it is, pizza okay?" She ask and I nod. "Gonna have a lie down." I explain and head towards the room that Katie had indicated, I push the door open and smile broadly, the room is big and it's all mine. I collapse on the bed and my last thought before I find myself falling into the oblivion of sleep once more is that maybe everything will be okay. Maybe, with Katie and Gina, I can rebuild my life and be happy. With that last thought in my mind I smile and let oblivion take me once more.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N- Okay so this took a long while to get a third, and final, part for this story. Combination of lack of muse, story ideas and struggling with the whole 1st person style that I found easy for the first two parts. I do have a bit of an idea of continuing Effy's struggles in a ****separate**** story but in 3rd person which I feel better writing. Anyway, please enjoy and let me know what you think. :)**

* * *

With a cry I jolt awake, leaping out of the bed and into the corner of the room. The memories of prison keep coming at me. I don't know where I am. With a sob I wrap my arms around my head, desperate to just feel some normality."Effy!?" A voice sounds from the darkness, a voice I recognise. "K-Katie?" I ask hesitantly as I feel a pair of hands on my arms, gently bringing them down. With an effort I open my eyes and there's Katie, kneeling down to my height with concern in her eyes. "Yeah it's me Effy, are you okay?" "Wh-Where am I?" I ask, hating myself for sounding weak, "you're in my spare room at my place, in Bristol. You were released yesterday. Remember?" She replies and it all comes flooding back to me in one big in-rush of memories. I let out a shuddering breath and shake my head, "it's a big change" I explain and Katie nods in, what I think is understanding. "I'll let you get changed." She tells me and then gets up and leaves the room, I look down and realise that I'm just wearing a baggy tshirt Katie had lent me last night. "Thanks" I whisper and Katie stops at the door, looking back at me and smiling, "no problem."

Half an hour later and I step into the open plan front room and kitchen that takes up probably most of Katie's apartment, Katie is sitting at a table drinking something from a cup and reading a newspaper of all things. I lean against the wall and watch her for a moment, she looks professional, smart, grownup. All the things I had fooled myself into thinking I had become back in London. I let out a little laugh and Katie looks round, a flicker of annoyance on her face. "What's funny?" She asks and I can hear a bit of the old Katie in her voice. I shrug and indicate the newspaper, "never thought I'd see Katie fucking Fitch reading a newspaper" I reply softly and Katie grins slightly. "Things have changed" is the only thing Katie offers as an explanation. I nod and move over to the table, sitting down at it. "What else has changed?" I ask. I know I'm not going to like some of it, in fact I'm probably not going to like any of it, but I need to know. I need to be prepared. Katie looks nervous for a moment before nodding in acceptance, "okay, so Panda and Thomas moved to America a couple of years ago. I chat with Thomas every couple of months and they're good, Thomas is an athlete and Panda has some sort of new hippy business. I don't know what it is but she likes it, she's Panda about it ya know." I smile and nod in understanding. "JJ's actually in London, some sort of high tech firm. We don't talk often to be honest. Still don't know what happened to Cook, not seen him since that night at the shed all those years ago ya know, could be dead for all I know." I close my eyes and bow my head, the painful memories of that night threatening to overwhelm me. After a moment I gather myself and ask the question I want to ask the most. "Emily?" There's silence from Katie and I look at her, she looks nervous, unsure of herself. It's a different side of her, one I've seen only a few times. "Emily….Emily isn't good. After Naomi's funeral she started drinking, lost her internship in America. Moved back in with mum and dad, stuck working for dad when she doesn't have her head in a bottle." She sighs and looks down at her hands for a moment, which she's been clenching and unclenching as she's been talking. "I try to help where I can but it's hard you know when...well….when" "when that person doesn't want any help." I finish softly, gently placing my hands on Katie's, trying to help calm her. To my surprise it works and Katie smiles in thanks. "Listen...Effy...I've got to go into work today. Are you going to be okay on your own?" Katie asks and I nod. "Got to let my probation worker know where I'm living anyway. I'll be fine." I tell her and Katie looks uncertain before nodding, "Okay, but how about we meet for lunch? I finish then anyway." I nod in agreement and Katie gets up, heading towards the front door. "Cool, do you remember Piccolino? Italian place on Cabot Circus?" I frown as I try to remember where she's talking about, after a moment it comes to me and I smile, nodding. "Good, meet me there at about 1 yeah? Feel free to use the phone, tv, laptop, whatever. Password is KFK1991. The address for this place is 1 Brunswick Square BS2 8PE." She's nearly out the door when I remember she's not told me about her job yet. "Wait Katie," I call after her, "what's your job?" Katie turns back, a smug smile on her face. "I own a fashion company." And with that she's gone, leaving me shocked.

With Katie gone a strange silence fell on the apartment. After a few minutes I get up and move over to the phone, dialing the number to get in touch with my probation officer. "Mr Hardbeck's office, Francesca speaking. How can I help." A soft voice greets me and I take a moment to compose myself. "This is Elizabeth Stonem, I was released from Holloway yesterday. I've got to tell you where I'm living." "Okay, let me just get your case up." Francesca replies and I can hear tapping for a moment. "Okay, so where are you living?" "1 Brunswick Square BS2 8PE." "Excellent, right Mr Hardbeck just needs to meet with you in the next few days so he can have a chat with you." "Oh...okay" I'm shocked for a moment, it all seems to be going quickly. Francesca seems to be able to sense it because I can hear the smile in her voice. "Don't worry Elizabeth, it's just a casual chat, how does 2pm in 2 days sound to you?" "Yeah, sure." "Excellent, so he'll meet you at Insomnia Coffee Company, it's on The Horsefair near to Greggs. Have a nice day." And with that she hangs up on me, I look at the phone in confusion, and a bit of nervousness. Everything suddenly moved so quickly and I'm not sure about it all. In prison I knew when everything was going to happen, and who with, out in the real world everything is so much looser. I move and sit down in front of the tv, gripped by indecision. I could put the tv on without fear of guards or other people stopping me, I could use Katie's laptop and go on the internet for the first time in years or I could just relax, just lay down and just be. I can do all those things now, my mind was telling me that I could, but my body was seized by the prison system still. My eyes slip from the tv to the laptop and back again. I want to do something, anything, but I can't. I let out a cry as I feel tears running down my face.

"This isn't fair!" I cry and let out a sob, "it's not fair."

I feel vulnerable, exposed. There are people all around me, I'm in the middle of people and I feel exposed. I had stayed, stuck on the sofa, for hours, until it was time to meet Katie at Piccolino. Something that I was told to do, that was something that could get me moving. It was only supposed to be a 5 minute walk but this is my first time outside on my own and I took it slowly so it took me ten minutes instead. I look around nervously, I don't like this, I don't like being vulnerable, I don't like to be nervous. I've not felt like this for a long time and I don't like it. But I'm not sure what I can do to fix myself. I look around again and find myself breaking into a smile at the sight of Katie making her way towards me. "Katie." I greet her and she waves before trying to hug me, instinctively I back away. "Sorry Katie, I can't, not yet. It's too soon." I try to explain and Katie nods in understanding. "Okay Effy, that's alright. I understand, come on inside. I got us a table, and a friend." A wave of unease washes over me and I pull back. "A...A friend?" I ask and Katie nods, "yeah just a friend. I promise you it's okay." I nod uncertainly and follow her inside.

Inside I follow Katie to a table where someone is sitting with their back to us, my heart is in my throat and I can feel my heart beating so fast. Whoever it is has short dark brown hair and I can't think who it could be. Katie smiles at me, trying to reassure me as the person stands up. "It's fine Effy, you remember Gina yeah?" Katie asks and the person turns round, Katie's right, it's Gina. She looks older than when I saw her at Naomi's wake, more lines around her eyes and a sadness in her eyes that I feel responsible for. She's smiling at me though, I don't, I can't understand. I can feel a pressure on my chest and I know I need to get out of here. I shake my head once and wrench my arm from Katie, running out of the restaurant while ignoring the calls from Katie and Gina.

I make it outside and run across the road, hardly hearing the horns of the cars as I run past them. On the other side of the road I lean on my knees, gulping the air in an attempt to fight off the feelings I have rushing through me. How could they do this to me? How could Katie think I would be okay seeing Gina like this, jumping this on me with no warning. "Effy?" A voice asks from near me and I look up and there's Gina, again full of smiles and kindness, things I don't deserve. "Effy, I'm sorry." She apologises and I don't understand, why is she apologising? "I'm the one that suggested to Katie that I join you for lunch, I wanted to see how you were. Katie thought you would be okay, I thought she'd at least have pre-warned you." She explains and I'm still confused, I still don't understand. "You...wanted to see me?" I ask in confusion and she nods. "Yes Effy, I don't blame you for Naomi. She was her own woman, she knew what she was doing. Yes I would have liked more time with her before the end but that was her decision and fault. Not yours okay?" She explains and I just can't process her words. "But, I...I was a terrible person, a terrible friend. I was so wrapped up in my own stupid world I didn't take any notice of Naomi and her….problem, until it was too late. And then I….." I trail off as Gina pulls me into a hug, I feel my heart rate increase dramatically as she hugs me before I will myself to calm down, to remember that she doesn't have a knife and I'm not going to be stabbed again. "It's okay Effy, you were young and you were foolish. It's okay. I forgive you." Gina says and the last three words hit me like a truck. Forgiveness, from Gina at least. I can feel tears threatening to break free from me and hug Gina back as emotions hit me, emotions I haven't felt for a long time. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I manage to get out as Gina strokes my head soothingly. "I know Effy, I know." I let out a sob, "I miss her." I admit and I can feel Gina nod, "so do I Effy, so do I." Gina extracts me from her arms and wipes away the few tears that have managed to escape. "Now come on, let's go and get something to eat." I nod and we head back across the street to the restaurant.

"What do you want for tea?" Katie asks me and pulls me away from her laptop. Lunch had actually gone alright, Gina and Katie had done most of the talking, filling me on what had occurred in their lives while I had been in jail. Gina and Keiran had gotten married and moved out to a little village outside of Bristol, Keiran was still teaching and Gina was still doing her charity protest work. Katie explained how she'd gotten into fashion, which had led to her founding her own company, one that was now very popular. After the meal, which Katie had insisted on paying for, the three of us had gone for a walk around Castle Park. Just enjoying the surroundings, the nature, and for me the ability to be around normal people. Afterwards me and Katie had gone back to her place and Katie had set me up on her laptop.

"Parden?" I ask politely, causing Katie to raise an eyebrow in interest. Despite myself I found my cheeks burning and knew I was blushing. "Sorry, someone asked you about tea in….well you know, and it was a guard. Had to be polite." I explain and Katie's expression softens causing a flash of annoyance in me. I didn't want pity, I hated it. "Oh Effy, I'm sorry" "It's fine," I snap at her before I turn back to the laptop. I'm about to go back to back to what I was doing when I stop myself. I sigh and turn back to Katie, "sorry Katie. I didn't mean to snap. I don't want pity, I hate people pitying me." I explain and Katie moves over to where I'm sat and sits down next to me, pulling me into a hug. Part of me tenses up for a moment before forcing myself to try and relax. "Listen Effy, I'm not pitying you. I would never do that to you. I'm just being sympathetic, you've been through hell and I want you to know that I'm here for you no matter what. Okay?" Katie states firmly and my heart skips, even with this past afternoon, and my logical mind, my instincts still scream that this is all a trick, all a long con. "Thank you" I whisper before Katie pulls away, a smile on her face. "So, tea?" Katie asks again. "I don't mind, chinese?" I suggest and Katie nods. "Chinese it is then, I'll get the menu." Katie stands up and heads over to the kitchen. "Do you ever cook Katie?" I can't help but ask, causing Katie to look back at me with a smirk on her face. "Well there's a little of the Effy back, as it happens I do quite like cooking but why submit you to it straight away. Gotta love a takeaway." Katie explains and I let out a little laugh.

A knock at the door almost makes me jump out of my skin, as far as I knew Katie wasn't expecting company. One look at Katie confirms it for me, she looks as confused as I feel but also worried. "Katie?" I ask carefully and Katie shoots a look towards me. "I think I know who it is, I was just hoping she wouldn't turn up for a bit." Katie explains as she heads towards the door. My heart plummets and I can feel my heartrate speed right up, Katie said she. I can see Katie take a deep breath before opening the door slightly. "Hey, now really isn't a good time E-" Katie starts but the door is forced open and I see Emily for the first time in years. Katie had been right, she doesn't look good. Her hair is dull and lifeless, frizzy and greasy. Her eyes look unfocused and I can tell she's been drinking. Her clothes are hanging off her and I feel a stab of guilt seeing her. I count myself lucky that she's not seen me yet and I slide down on the sofa, trying to hide myself. "Emily, I told you. Now isn't a good time, why don't you go home?" I hear Katie and I hear Emily scoff in disdain. "Oh yeah Katie, home to all the snide comments from mum? Is that what I need to do is it? You got any vodka?" Emily's voice slurs out and I risk looking up. Emily is looking through the cupboards and Katie looks stressed. "Emily, do you not think you should stop?" I can hear Katie obviously trying to talk to her sister. "Stop what Katie? Stop missing the love of my life who died of fucking cancer? Stop the ache in my heart that just won't go away? What is it I should be stopping?" Emily's raised voice hits me and I can feel a tear threatening to escape me. "Stop drinking, you had such a good future ahead of you sis, I hate seeing you piss it all away like this" I hear Katie try to reach Emily but I know it's not's going to work. I hear Emily scoff "piss of Katie, just because you got a good life. I hate you." "Well if you hate me then why do you turn up here every month?" Katie snaps at her sister, anger in her voice but I can here the pain, the sadness, in it as well. "Who's that?" I hear Emily ask and my heart crashes. "It's just a friend E, please just go." Katie pleads but I know it's not going to do any good, it's too late now. Time to face the music. "Hello Emily" I state as I stand up and face her. A deathly silence follows my words, Katie looks worried and Emily looks almost comically dumbfounded.

"Effy." Emily states simply, not a question simply a statement and I nod. "It's me Emily." "When?" Emily asks and I know what she means, when did I get out. "Yesterday." I tell her and she nods before flicking her eyes to Katie and then back to me. "You're staying with Katie then? Staying with my sister." I nod, "at the moment, yes." Emily nods again, then turns to Katie and slaps her hard. "After everything she has done to us, to me, to you. After all that you still took her in!" Emily spits out before storming past Katie towards the door. "Emily wait! Please don't do this!" Katie cries after Emily, who stops at the door and looks over her shoulder at Katie, and me. "You did this Katie, not me." She stated simply before leaving the apartment. "Katie, are you okay?" I ask softly but Katie just looks at the door where Emily had been. I move over to her, wrapping my arms around her in a hug. Inwardly I'm shocked, voluntarily giving a hug. "Katie?" I repeat and Katie stirs a little and I spy a single tear running down her cheek. "Despite everything, we've always been together. Always supported each other. She wouldn't even let me explain." Katie finally speaks and I nod in understanding. "She's hurting Katie, still hurting. Seeing me will be opening up old wounds." Me and Katie move over to the sofa and sit down. "God this is such a mess Effy, what do we do?" Katie asks and I can't help but laugh. "Why ask me? I'm a screw up Katie, I've spent 5 years in prison, I'm going to be suffering from that for a while. I don't have any answers but...we could try to get through it together?" I suggest tentatively and Katie looks at me curiously. "As friends?" I smile and nod, "as friends." I agree and Katie hugs me again, this time I don't freeze up as much, maybe I can get better with help. "Now let's get some food, chinese still yeah?" Katie asks as she gets up and moves towards the kitchen. "Sure, chinese." I reply and smile, making myself comfortable. Maybe, with Katie, I can have a good life. I know that I'll still have to deal with Emily but I'll deal with that when it comes. I know that I'm responsible for a lot of hurt and pain but I also know that I deserve this second chance, and with Katie I know I can make the most of it.


End file.
